Relationships - Communication

Wednesday Evening Bible Study

September 16, 1998

Introduction

Illustration

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent he Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Good communication is hard. And rare. It’s so easy to misunderstand each other.

Communication Principles From Proverbs:

These come from a gleaning of Proverbs 10-31.

1. There’s a reward for good communication

(Prov 12:14 NLT) People can get many good things by the words they say; the work of their hands also gives them many benefits.

(Prov 15:23 KJV) A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!

Sometimes good communication seems like a lot of hard work. Sometimes it looks too difficult to pull off, especially when you’re in a tense relationship. Don’t throw in the towel, it’s worth it!

2. Sometimes it's better not to speak

(See also Prov. 17:27-28; 21:23)

(Prov 10:19 KJV) In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.

(Prov 23:9 KJV) Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.

This is not a verse to use with your spouse.

(Prov 29:11 KJV) A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

Though good fellowship and good relationships depend on good communication, sometimes it’s important to realize that the best communication may be no communication. If the things we’re going to say are hurtful, sarcastic, or just stupid, sometimes we’ll wish we hadn’t said anything.

Illustration

A Tale of Faulty Inferences

The train rushes across the Hungarian countryside. In a compartment sit a mother with her attractive daughter, a Nazi officer, and a Hungarian official. When the train passes through a tunnel, the compartment is engulfed in darkness. Suddenly there is the sound of a loud kiss followed by a shattering slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, no one says a word, but the Nazi officer's face bears the unmistakable signs of having been slapped.

The mother looks at her daughter and thinks, "What a good daughter I have. She certainly showed that Nazi he can't fool with her."

The daughter looks at her mother and thinks, "Mother sure is brave to take on a Nazi officer over one stolen kiss." The Nazi officer stares at the Hungarian official and thinks, "That Hungarian is clever. He steals a kiss and gets me slapped, and there's nothing I can do about it." The Hungarian official stares blankly as he thinks, "Not bad. I kiss my hand and get away with slapping a Nazi."

Something good happened, and not a word was spoken!

3. Respond carefully

(see also Prov. 15:2)

(Prov 13:3 NASB) The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; The one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

(Prov 15:28 KJV) The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.

(Prov 29:20 KJV) Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him.

You can’t take back words once you’ve said them. Stop and think before you respond.

For some of you, you’ll grow much stronger in your relationships if you learn to slow down your responses.

4. Speak the Truth.

(See also Prov.12:19; 14:25; 19:5)

(Prov 12:22 KJV) Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight.

(Prov 26:28 KJV) A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin.

You may think you’re telling a lie because you don’t want to hurt the other person or cause trouble, but it’s out of a lack of true love that we lie.

We’ve seen a good lesson with President Clinton over this. There’s been so many times that he’s "fudged" on the truth that it’s hard to discern if he’s telling the truth. When he talks about being repentant over his sin, we want to believe him, but we also have in the back of our minds, "What if this is just another story to get him off the hook." Don’t get me wrong, nobody longs for the President to be contrite over his sin more than me, but his history of lies has made it difficult for people as a whole to know if he’s sincere or not.

You may think that you can make a situation a little better by just telling a little lie this one time. But when your lie catches up to you, what you find is that your credibility is gone and when you have a need to be believed, you may find yourself trapped.

Illustration

The story of the little boy who cried wolf. He liked getting attention by running into town and crying "wolf". But after a couple of times, nobody took him seriously. Then when a real wolf appeared, no one would believe him.

5. Your words can either resolve or continue a fight.

(see also Prov. 11:9; 16:21; 22:10)

(Prov 12:18 KJV) There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.

(Prov 18:6 NASB) A fool's lips bring strife, And his mouth calls for blows.

(Prov 15:1 NASB) A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

The closer we get to somebody, the more "buttons" we uncover in their life. Those big red buttons marked "Warning, do not push except under nuclear attack!" Those areas that are extra sensitive in a person’s life. Resolve not to push other people’s buttons.

Understand that YOU have a responsibility in any argument. YOU have the ability to continue it or work towards resolving it.

You have a raging fire before you. Will you throw water or gasoline on it? It doesn’t matter if the argument is their fault. Don’t leave it to the other person. You have the ability to slow things down.

6. Be open to hearing hard things once in a while.

(see also Prov. 19:8; 13:1, 18; 15:12, 31-32; 17:10; 28:23)

(Prov 12:1 NASB) Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, But he who hates reproof is stupid.

(Prov 27:6 KJV) Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Some people are very pleasant to communicate with, as long as you say nice things to them. But sometimes communication has to include constructive criticism. Parents will say a hearty "amen" to this, but sometimes even parents need a little, loving guidance.

When someone criticizes you, be careful not to respond with a knee-jerk criticism back.

If your relationships have a habit of playing "tit-for-tat" (like the Three Stooges hitting each other), then you’re not going to be growing. Areas of your life that you need to grow in will be neglected because you are afraid to hear it.

In J. Oswald Sanders’ Book, Spiritual Leadership (pg.120), he writes:

Samuel Brengle, noted for his sense of holiness, felt the heat of caustic criticism. Instead of rushing to defend himself, he replied: "From my heart I thank you for your rebuke. I think I deserved. Will you, my friend, remember me in prayer?" When another critic attacked his spiritual life, Brengle replied: "I thank you for your criticism of my life. It set me to self-examination and heart-searching and prayer, which always leads me into a deeper sense of my utter dependence on Jesus for holiness of heart, and into sweeter fellowship with Him."

This was a wise man.

7. Seek to understand.

(Prov 18:13 NASB) He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.

Sometimes we make the mistake of answering someone before we’ve really taken time to understand just what they’re saying. Even a little piece of the puzzle can change the way we understand things.

Illustration

The Lawsuit

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court.

The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself when that cow came home this morning!"

How communication works:

1. You think of something.

You are developing the thought, the meaning you intend to communicate.

2. You express it.

It may be verbal, it may be non-verbal.

3. The other person receives it.

By listening, by watching, etc.

4. The other person interprets what they received.

They try to put together all they heard, saw, etc., to form their idea of what you intended to say.

It's a little like a spy on the battlefield sending a message, encoded, back to headquarters. Headquarters receives the message, decodes the message, and then needs to determine just all that was meant in the few words sent.

Problems with communication.

The problem with communication is that there are four different places to goof things up!

Sometimes the sender hasn’t really taken the time to think before they speak. They’re not sure themselves what they are trying to communicate.

Sometimes we know what we’re trying to say, but it just comes out wrong –

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

At the early evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND:

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sometimes, the receiver may not hear clearly, or may be caught up in their own problems or situation to not pay full attention to what is being communicated.

Sometimes we just don’t interpret correctly what was said:

The receiver may interpret the message incorrectly, maybe in the light of last night's argument, maybe in the light of being hungry and grumpy, maybe too sleepy, etc...

Illustration

Died In The Service

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

The Tool called "Feedback":

"Feedback" is a method to help us learn how to better make sure we understand each other, that we're communicating correctly.

"Feedback" is just a tool. And like most tools, you don't need them all the time, but when you do, it sure helps to have some skill with that tool. If you take time to practice this technique, then when you need it, it will be there.

1. Transmit.

Sender speaks the message.

2. Clarify

Here's the magic words:

"I heard you say".

Repeats the original message in their own words.

The words "I heard you say" are the cue to the sender that the receiver is trying to communicate with Feedback.

3. Verify

Sender responds by verifying that the receiver got the message right.

If message incomplete or incorrect, start over again with step one.

The sender can initiate the feedback if they felt a message wasn't received correctly by following their initial transmission with, "What did you hear me say?"

Sample: (sarcastically) "I really like the way you dressed today!"

Illustration

God will provide

A young man gets engaged to a young woman and goes to meet her parents over dinner. After dinner the father takes the young man into the drawing room to find out his plans for life with his daughter. "So, what are your plans?" The father asks the fiancé. "I am a Biblical Scholar" he replies "A Biblical Scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she deserves?" The father asks. "I will study" the young man replies "...God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" The father asks. "I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us." the young man replies. "And children" the father asks "how will you support your children?" "Don't worry sir" the young man replies "God will provide." The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question the young man insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks about the discussion, "So, how did it go?" The father replies "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Whereas the future son-in-law thought he was setting a godly example, the dad only thought him to be lazy. How much different could it have been if the dad had stopped to say, "I hear you say that you are lazy!"