Elements of
Marriage - Unity
Sunday
Morning Bible Study
February
21, 2009
Introduction
Play
“Fireproof” video clip – coming this Thursday night.
We’re at the end of our six weeks talking about marriage. We’ve talked about submission, love, communication, looking to
Jesus, what works, and today we deal with “Unity”
When it comes to the subject of “unity”, sometimes we can get some scary
sci-fi kinds of wrong ideas…
Play clip of
The “Borg” collective in Star Trek.
Unity doesn’t mean that you lose your identity. But don’t forget … resistance is futile …
Unity is one of the things that is unique to the Christian church.
Illustration
Philip Yancy writes … As I read accounts of the New Testament church, no
characteristic stands out more sharply than [diversity]. Beginning with
Pentecost, the Christian church dismantled the barriers of gender, race, and
social class that had marked Jewish congregations. Paul, who as a rabbi had
given thanks daily that he was not born a woman, slave, or Gentile, marveled
over the radical change: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male
nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
One modern Indian pastor told me, “Most of what happens in Christian
churches, including even miracles, can be duplicated in Hindu and Muslim
congregations. But in my area only Christians strive, however ineptly, to mix
men and women of different castes, races, and social groups. That’s the real
miracle.”
Diversity complicates rather than simplifies life. Perhaps for this reason
we tend to surround ourselves with people of similar age, economic class, and
opinion. Church offers a place where infants and grandparents, unemployed and
executives, immigrants and blue bloods can come together. Just yesterday I sat
sandwiched between an elderly man hooked up to a puffing oxygen tank and a breastfeeding
baby who grunted loudly and contentedly throughout the sermon. Where else can
we find that mixture?
When I walk into a new church, the more its members resemble each other—and
resemble me—the more uncomfortable I feel.
Philip
Yancey, "Denominational Diagnostics," Christianity Today (November
2008), p. 119
Though many of the principles we’ll talk about can apply to all our
relationships in the church, the first two are special in marriage.
1. Unity in
finances
Or, the danger of separate accounts.
One of the trends I see happening in marriage is that of keeping your money
separate from your spouse.
I understand the fear that might come with allowing the other person to
have access to the money that you so carefully worked to save.
I also understand the problem that happens when one of you is doing well
financially but the other person is deep in debt.
The problem is that you are keeping yourselves from taking a step towards
Unity.
You’ve made a decision that your personal financial stability is more
important than learning to make two people into one.
Rather than doing the hard work of learning how to work as a team and share
your finances, you’ve taken the easy way out by just keeping your two lives
separate.
Does that mean that if you are the financially secure one, you just turn
over your checkbook, close your eyes, and hope for the best?
No – you have to learn to work together.
One simple way is to make an agreement, “I will not spend more than $XXX without your agreement”. You have to set the amount that works for
you.
TRUST is a huge
part of unity.
This is something that can help build trust – if you can learn to follow
the agreed upon guideline, you build trust with your partner. If you don’t keep
the agreement, you destroy trust. It’s a
simple thing to build trust – just keep the agreement.
Jesus said,
(Mat
6:19-21 NKJV) "Do not lay up for
yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves
break in and steal; {20} "but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven,
where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and
steal. {21}
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
We call this the “treasure
principle”. Your heart follows your
treasure.
Spiritually, if your treasure is made up of things in heaven, that’s what
you’re going to care about.
In relationships the same principle works – if your finances are put into
the “us” account instead of the “me” account, then the “us” account is where
your heart will be.
Are you allowing your finances to built trust and unity or to divide you?
2. Unity in body
The importance of getting sex right.
(Gen 2:18-24 NKJV) And the LORD God said, "It is not good that man should be
alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."
There is something in us that longs to be loved. There is something in us that wants to be
attached to someone. We don’t want to be
alone.
{19}
Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird
of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And
whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. {20} So Adam gave
names to all cattle,
to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there
was not found a helper comparable to him.
Isn’t there something at least a little humorous about this? Dog may be man’s best friend, but he isn’t the thing that
answers the loneliness.
{21}
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took
one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. {22} Then the rib which
the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the
man.
An Old Jewish Proverb:
Woman was not
taken from man's head to rule over him, or from his foot to be trodden on by
him, but from his side to be his companion.
{23} And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my
flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." {24}
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and they shall become one flesh.
The concept of “one
flesh” might cover lots of things, but it certainly has to deal with the
subject of sex.
God invented sex and He invented it for the relationship of marriage.
Even though sex can be a wonderful part of marriage, it can also be one of
the most frustrating parts as well.
Paul wrote,
(1 Cor 7:1-6 NKJV) Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good
for a man not to touch a woman. {2} Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality,
let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. {3} Let the husband
render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her
husband. {4} The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the
husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own
body, but the wife does. {5}
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may
give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan
does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Is Paul saying that you should have sex if your spouse wants to? Yup.
That’s what he’s saying.
Things can get difficult when one partner is more interested in sex than
the other partner. What do you do?
You need to talk. You need to negotiate. You need to compromise.
A couple of things to consider:
You don’t need sex to live. People can actually live without sex.
A marriage without sex can be frustrating… for
at least one person. Paul says that you
are allowing Satan a foothold into your marriage if you are not working at
meeting your spouse’s longings.
These are the two issues that need to be negotiated.
One of the things that ought to happen in marriage is that you are fulfilling your spouse’s desires
for sex, not your own.
If your spouse seems to require a little less sex than you, you work at
getting along from time to time without it.
If your spouse seems to require a little more sex than you, then you work
at meeting their needs, not your own.
Marriage is all about unity. It’s
all about learning to meet the other person’s needs, not your own.
Unity comes when you learn to allow the other person to meet your needs,
and not in you meeting your own needs.
Some people only focus on their own needs and if their spouse isn’t cutting
it, they do something else to meet their own needs.
Any other solution
than your spouse meeting your sexual needs will only produce division, not
unity.
Have you ever heard of the exercise where a group of people were chained to a
dinner table full of exotic food. They all were given spoons with extremely long handles. The spoons were too long to allow each person
to feed themselves, but they were able to take their spoons and feed each
other.
Marital unity comes when you allow your spouse to meet your needs instead
of you meeting your own needs without them.
3. Unity
through openness
(Gen
2:25 NKJV) And they were both naked, the
man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Illustration
The Consequences of Adam and Eve
One mom writes, “My 7-year-old daughter, Jessica, is a deep thinker when it comes to
theological questions. Recently we discussed why bad things happen sometimes,
re-reading the story of Adam and Eve and how sin came into the world. Later
that week, Jessica was ill
and had to stay home from school. Feeling miserable, she told me: “If only Adam
and Even hadn’t eaten the fruit, I wouldn’t be sick.” Before I could answer,
she added: “Of course, if they didn’t eat it, we’d be sitting here naked.””
Sarah Ames, "Kids of the
Kingdom," Today's Christian (January/February 2006), p. 6
Our passage is not about how you’re dressed or not dressed. It’s about
openness. There should be very few secrets between a husband and wife.
Sometimes openness can be a little dangerous.
Illustration
The honesty of the Irish:
An armed hooded robber
bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of
cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy
without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has
seen him. One of the tellers
is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots her
also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone
else see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments of
silence...then one elderly Irish
lady, looking down, tentatively raises her hand and says: “I think me husband
may have caught a glimpse .….
If you are still dating, looking for that special person, don’t try to
pretend to be someone you’re not. Be yourself. If that other person can’t
accept you for who you are, you certainly don’t want to spend the rest of your
life with that person.
Marriage is about being yourself and being completely accepted for just who
you are. Can he stand you without your
makeup on? Would she laugh if you
stopped holding your tummy in?
Loving openness is a key to maturity.
(Eph
4:15 NKJV) but, speaking the truth in
love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head; Christ;
God’s desire is that we learn to be open and honest with each other. That’s how we mature and grow.
You may not feel like the word “openness” describes your marriage. How do you get there?
It starts with you being gracious.
It starts with you accepting and loving your spouse for who they are, not for
who you want them to be.
What would you do if they shared something difficult with you?
What if they shared with you that they were abused as a child? Would you have compassion on them? Probably so.
What if they shared with you that they just charged $700 to the credit card
for something stupid?
I’m not saying that you let it go without dealing with it. But do you handle it graciously or harshly?
You want to be loved for who you are. Do you love the other person for who they
are? It starts with you.
4. Conflict
resolution
(Amos
3:3 NKJV) Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
It’s important that we learn to find how to agree so we can walk together.
(Prov
12:18 NASB) There is one who speaks
rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
There are good ways and bad ways of resolving conflict.
I’ll bet that every marriage here has it’s share of conflicts – call them
arguments …
Play Focus
“Arguing” clip.
A man can tend
towards wanting to fix the problem.
Sometimes it is better if we would learn to simply listen to the other
person and pay attention to what they are feeling.
We need to stop thinking we’re going to “fix” the other person and instead
learn to accept and love the other person.
A woman might
tend to handle conflict by wanting to lecture or correct the man.
Men can tend to get frustrated and then want to walk away. Which just makes a woman want to follow him
and lecture him more.
Illustration
Researchers from the University of Utah found there’s a price to pay when couples
don’t get along. Videotapes recorded 150 husbands and wives discussing
sensitive issues (how money is managed or doing household chores) and found the
following:
Women who buried anger rather than speaking out were more likely to succumb
to heart disease than wives who were vocal, the study found. And when women
became domineering and controlling, rather than seeking consensus, damage was
done to husbands’ coronary health.
Researcher Timothy W. Smith understood that there will be disagreements in
a marriage, but how you handle yourself in resolving disagreements is
important. “Can you do it in a way that gets your concerns addressed but
without doing damage at the same time? That’s not an easy mark to hit.”
Ted DeHass, Bedford, Iowa, and Brandon O'Brien, assistant
editor, PreachingToday.com; sources: "The fine art of marital
dispute," The Week
(10-19-07), p. 22, "Study ties marital strife, heart disease,"
(Associated Press) Yahoo News (10.08.07), "A Bad Relationship Can Cause
Heart Attack: Study," (Reuters) ABCNews.com (10.08.07)
An important thing to remember:
You are not married to an idiot.
But your spouse
may be.
A good marriage
is not the absence of conflict, but learning to resolve conflict.
If the way you resolve conflict doesn’t work, perhaps you need to try
something different.
Dr. Sharon
Morris May – a Marriage and Family Therapist, speaking on a Focus on the Family
program, suggests trying to make your marriage be a “Safe Haven”.
Are you a “safe person” for your spouse? She suggests three ingredients to
creating a “safe haven” at home:
1. Trust
Will you be there for me? Are you
going to walk out on me?
2. Emotionally available
Will you stop and listen to me?
3. Caringly responsive
Learning to consider who the other person is, to learn to take their
perspective.
Play “Safe
Haven” clip from part 2
5. Unity
through humility
I think that in any relationship, the single greatest obstacle to unity is
pride, my pride.
Paul tells us that the secret to unity between individuals is learning to
cultivate humility.
(Phil 2:1-11 NKJV) Therefore if there is any
consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit,
if any affection and mercy, {2} fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the
same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Paul is going to deal with the issue of unity. There were some folks in the Philippian
church who didn’t know how to get along with each other.
{3} Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in
lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. {4} Let each of
you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of
others.
This is that picture of feeding
each other with the long spoons. This is
the idea of working to meet your spouse’s needs before you meet your own needs.
Then Paul tells the secret of learning how to do this – to learn humility,
to follow the best example of humility – Jesus.
{5} Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, {6} who, being
in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, {7} but
made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in
the likeness of men.
Jesus has always existed as God. But
He didn’t feel like He needed to cling to His rights as God but was willing to
lay down His rights and privileges for the sake of helping us.
{8} And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became
obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
This is what we call the “gospel”.
Jesus saw that our sins had alienated us from God. He was willing to put aside His own needs in
order to meet our needs.
He died to pay
for our sins.
That’s the kind of humility we need in relationships – are we willing to
sacrifice some of our comfort for the sake of meeting the needs of others?
This is one of the things required of missionaries – the willingness to
sacrifice their comfort for the sake of others.
It’s what is desperately needed in marriage as well, thinking more of the
other.
{9} Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is
above every name, {10} that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of
those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, {11} and
that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God
the Father.
Illustration
Helen Roseveare, a medical missionary in Africa, was the only doctor in a
large hospital. There were constant interruptions and shortages, and she was
becoming increasingly impatient and irritable with everyone around her.
Finally, one of the African pastors insisted, “Helen, please come with me.” He
drove Helen to his humble house and told her that she was going to have a
retreat—two days of silence and solitude. She was to pray until her attitude
adjusted. All night and the next day she struggled; she prayed, but her prayers
seemed to bounce off the ceiling. Late on Sunday night, she sat beside the
pastor around a little campfire. Humbly, almost desperately, she confessed that
she was stuck. With his bare toe, the pastor drew a long straight line on the
dusty ground. “That is the problem, Helen: there is too much ‘I’ in your service.”
He gave her a suggestion: “I have noticed that quite often, you take a coffee
break and hold the hot coffee in your hands waiting for it to cool.” Then he
drew another line across the first one. “Helen, from now on, as the coffee
cools, ask God, ‘Lord, cross out the “I” and make me more like you.’” In the
dust of that African ground, where a cross had formed, Helen Roseveare learned
the master principle of Jesus: freedom comes through service, and service comes
by releasing our ego.
Matt Woodley, in
the sermon “Servant,” PreachingToday.com