Sunday
Morning Study
February
6, 2011
Introduction
Do people see Jesus? Is the gospel preached? Does it speak to the
broken hearted? Does it build up the church? Milk – Meat – Manna Preach for a
decision
During the
final days at Denver’s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was
cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be first class.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to
try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be
able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?” Without
hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed his public address microphone. “May I have your attention
please?” he began, his voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a
passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him
find his identity, please come to the gate.” With the folks behind him in line
laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth
and retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the
flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United
Airlines.
Anger is a pretty huge topic
I did a search in my Bible software for “anger” and came up with 26,298
results in 16,575 articles in 674 different resources. There’s a LOT to say
about anger.
I’m not going to be able to cover it all.
Through the
years I have been caught off guard several times with “anger”.
I remember in the early years of the church, a fellow who had been an elder
had a fight with a member of the church. He decked the fellow in his own
driveway. I was totally shocked to hear about this fellow being an “angry” man.
I’ve seen marriages destroyed with anger being at least one of the key
ingredients to the destruction.
When we began to plan the retreat, I decided to jump in and take this
as my topic.
For some reason, things happened that week and I found myself in one of
the angriest moods I’ve been in for awhile.
What is anger?
Here are some definitions:
Anger is an emotion related to one's perception of having been offended
or wronged.
Anger is physiological arousal—heart-racing, adrenaline-pumping,
blood-pressure raising arousal—along with my own hostile or indignant
interpretation of what caused the arousal.
Anger from God’s
perspective
When we look at
the Scripture, we find that God gets angry. We call it the “wrath of God”. The
coming Tribulation is when God’s wrath is poured out in judgment.
(Re 16:7 NKJV) —7
And I heard another from the altar saying, “Even so, Lord God Almighty, true and righteous are
Your judgments.”
When God gets angry, it’s for a very good reason. It’s right.
The problem with
our anger is that it is not usually for the right reasons. James writes,
(Jas 1:19–20 NKJV) —19
So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
For the most part, our anger has a hard time measuring up to what is right
in God’s sight.
We’d do much better learning to deal with our anger than excusing it.
(Pr 19:11 NLT)
Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.
Anger’s Roots
The professional counseling community has identified some common roots to anger.
Anger is a “secondary emotion” because it comes from something else.
I usually think I get angry because you’re a jerk or an idiot, but it’s
usually a bit deeper than that.
Understanding where some of my anger comes from can help me learn to back
away from the edge.
Shame/guilt
Perhaps I’ve had some experience in my life that has brought me great
shame.
You may not
know about my experience, but when things you do begin to remind me of that
past shame, I get angry or resentful. In
fact, I may not be thinking about that past shame, but for some reason I still
get resentful.
You are “pushing my buttons”.
Hurt/pain
If you cause me pain, I get angry.
It might be physical pain, it might be emotional pain.
Illustration
A lady was
walking past a pet store when a parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!”
The lady was angry but continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the
pet store again, and the parrot
once more said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was enraged now, so she
went into the store and said that she wanted the bird disposed of. The store
manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t
say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the
parrot. “Hey, lady!” the bird said. “Yes?” she replied. “You know.”
Fear
This is one that I often identify with.
Some things I’m afraid of:
I’m afraid things going bad at work; that the church is going to split.
If you start acting in a way that reminds me of some people who have split
the church in the past, often my fear gets expressed by me getting angry.
I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for my wife.
I have no problem admitting that I “married up”. My wife is way out of my
league.
I have to admit that though my wife has never given me a reason to think
this way, I’m still afraid that another guy will come along and take her away
from me. When someone gets too close to my wife, I get angry.
It’s helpful to
understand these things when we are responding to an angry person.
It’s hard to respond to anger without becoming angry yourself.
(Pr 15:1 NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Learn to empathize, “I can see why this makes you afraid …”
Anger’s Cost
Not all the stories in the Bible
are all nice and neat and tie up with a pretty bow.
Genesis 34
(Ge 34:1–4
NKJV)
—1 Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to see
the daughters of the land. 2 And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite,
prince of the country, saw her, he took her and lay with her, and violated her.
3 His soul was strongly attracted to Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved
the young woman and spoke kindly to the young woman. 4 So Shechem spoke to his
father Hamor, saying, “Get me this young woman as a wife.”
Jacob’s daughter was raped.
Initially, Jacob didn’t do anything.
(Ge 34:7 NKJV)
And the sons of Jacob came in from the field when they heard it; and the men
were grieved and very angry, because he had done a disgraceful thing in Israel
by lying with Jacob’s daughter, a thing which ought not to be done.
Jacob’s sons were angry. We might
look at their anger as being appropriate.
I think it is certainly appropriate to be angry with something as
horrible as rape.
Did you notice the word “disgraceful”?
That almost sounds a little like the concept of “shame”.
Hamor comes to Jacob and speaks to him about having the two kids get
married, but it’s not Jacob that responds, it’s Jacob’s sons.
(Ge 34:13
NKJV)
But the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father, and spoke
deceitfully, because he had defiled Dinah their sister.
They have already allowed their anger to take them down a bad road.
They will hatch a plot to negotiate with Hamor and the men of his city. They
suggest that all the men be circumcised before they allow Dinah to marry
Shechem.
For some crazy reason, the men all agree to be circumcised.
After a couple of days, the men of the city are all in agony from their
circumcisions.
(Ge 34:25
NKJV)
Now it came to pass on the third day, when they were in pain, that two of the
sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, each took his sword and came
boldly upon the city and killed all the males.
The brothers got their revenge, but in the process the family was in a
little bit of trouble because of their deceit and murder.
Rape is a serious offense, but killing all the males of a city is going
just a little bit overboard.
At the end of his life, Jacob will make a comment about this incident as he
prophecies over his sons:
(Ge
49:5–7 NKJV)
—5 “Simeon and Levi
are brothers; Instruments of cruelty are in their dwelling place. 6 Let not my
soul enter their council; Let not my honor be united to their assembly; For in
their anger they slew a man, And in their self-will they hamstrung an ox. 7 Cursed be their anger,
for it is fierce; And their wrath, for it is cruel! I will divide them in Jacob And scatter them in Israel.
Their anger came with a huge cost. People paid for their
anger with their lives. Their descendants were “scattered” because of their
anger.
Recognizing Anger
One of the biggest problems we have when it comes to anger is to deny or
misread our own experiences of anger, which only guarantees that we will
express it in destructive ways.
I can see it in
others
Do you remember what happened when David Bannister got angry?
Play “Hulk”
clip
I don’t see it
in me
Some of us think we have our anger under control. We think our anger is
pretty harmless. After all, doesn’t the Hulk know how to treat bunny rabbits???
The truth is, I
need to recognize when I’ve got anger in me.
The problem
with me teaching on “anger” is that I’m reminded of just how angry I can be.
I remember when our kids were young that something made me really angry and
I punched a hole in a bedroom door. For years we simply covered up the hole in
the door with a poster, but when we sold that house and moved, we needed to
have the hole fixed because it was still there.
What a great picture that is of anger in our lives.
We try to cover it up, but the truth is that anger can be pretty
destructive. It leaves a hole in someone.
I am still quite surprised to learn just how angry I can be.
I will hear people say from time to time, “Now don’t get angry but …” and
then tell me something.
I have to admit that it makes me angry when people are saying this so
often.
I’ve been wondering if maybe I’m a little angrier than I want to admit.
Anger Management
If it weren’t for some of the raunchy humor and language, I’d almost be
tempted to recommend the film, a 2003 movie starring Adam Sandler and Jack
Nicolson. Adam Sandler plays a character named “Dave” who is required to enroll
in “Anger Management”.
At the beginning of the movie, it seems as if Dave is simply a victim of
extremely bad circumstances and that he’s not an “angry” guy.
Play airplane
sequence
The anger management course Dave is assigned to is run by “Buddy” (Jack
Nicolson). After their first group
session, Buddy explains to Dave that there are different types of “angry
people”.
Play “different
types of angry”
Throughout the
movie, Dave does not see himself as an angry person. In fact, you get the idea that Buddy is some
sort of psychopath, trying to make Dave as angry as possible.
He finds out
about Dave’s fears and needles him with them. He brings up Dave’s most
embarrassing, shameful moments of life, and continually pushes Dave’s
“buttons”.
By the end of the movie it looks as if Buddy has even been out to take
Dave’s girlfriend away from him and Dave has to face his greatest fear, of
losing his sweetheart.
Play “Kiss”
clip.
It’s after all
this that we learn that Dave’s girlfriend had gone to Buddy for help with her
boyfriend before the beginning of the movie. It had all been an elaborate setup
to make Dave face his fears, shame, anger, and to stand up for what he believes
in.
I want to challenge some of you to consider that perhaps you might be a
little more angry than you are aware of.
Anger Expressed
One resource I found gave four different ways that people express their
anger.
1. Blowing up
This is the person who you never wonder about whether they are angry.
Think
“Incredible Hulk”
They have a sign on their desk that says, “I don’t get ulcers, I give them”
2. Burning up
They hold it in and conceal what they feel.
They may be
unaware of being angry, but inside it eats them up like acid.
They may suffer illness as a result of holding their anger inside.
They tend to have a nonconfrontive style and will find themselves
surrounded by openly aggressive types who will push them around.
3. Pouting
They retaliate though not aggressively; they prefer to inflict guilt by suffering
unfairly. They don’t mind playing the martyr.
The Bible is full of them:
Jonah was angry
because Nineveh was spared and a worm had eaten his shade-vine.
The prodigal
son’s elder brother: “Sure, Dad, you go have a party. I’ll just stay out here
and work the fields just as I have my whole life without anyone even saying
thank you. Don’t worry about me.”
Psychologists
tell us that if you put a cork on your anger, you will get depressed.
4. Catching up
These are the sneaky
ones. They’ll jab and needle and dig with words funny enough to get away with
but designed to do damage.
They “forget”
to return phone calls, or they show up late for appointments. They are masters
of (often unconscious) sabotage.
What do I do with my
anger?
Chill
If you’re new to understanding your anger, I think it’s helpful put the
brakes on what’s happening to you.
Some people count to 10. Some people need to physically remove themselves
from the situation for a moment to let the emotions calm down a bit.
Illustration
George received
a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and
worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t
expletives were, to say the least, rude. George tried hard to change the bird’s
attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything
he could think of to try and set a good example ... Nothing worked. He yelled
at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more
angry and more rude. Finally,
in a moment of desperation, George put the parrot in the freezer. For a few
moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming—then suddenly
there was quiet. George was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto George’s
extended arm and said:”I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my
language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.I will endeavor to correct my
behavior.” George was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about
to ask what had made such a drastic change when parrot continued: “May I ask
what the chicken did?”
You want to be
sure you have the ability to respond correctly and not make things worse.
(Pr 15:28 NKJV)
The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked
pours forth evil.
Identify
Don’t ignore it. The Bible says,
(Eph 4:26–27 NKJV) —26
“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor
give place to the devil.
It’s not a sin to be angry. It’s
what you do with it that counts. Burying it or putting it
on a shelf isn’t a part of the solution.
Be angry – identify it.
Remember the
roots. Try learning to use this phrase:
“Whenever I am disturbed there is something wrong with me.”
My anger tends to make me think that the problem is in the other person,
but sometimes the problem is really in me.
Sometimes it helps to figure out what is behind your anger:
What am I
ashamed about?
What am I
afraid of?
Why am I
hurting?
If you are in a relationship with the person you are angry with, you will
probably need to go back and talk with them.
(Pr 20:5 NKJV) Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, But a man of
understanding will draw it out.
It’s best if you can talk about what’s really going on inside you. It’s good if you can identify the fear,
shame, or hurt that you are feeling.
Honestly, sometimes I don’t really know what’s going on inside of me.
Forgive
If your anger is due to someone hurting you, you need to forgive. Jesus
said,
(Mt 6:14–15 NKJV) —14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly
Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their
trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
If you don’t forgive, you are going to become bitter.
We heard a great saying yesterday about bitterness.
Play “Mark
Gungor on Unforgiveness” clip.
“Unforgiveness is
like taking poison, hoping the other guy will die”.
In Deuteronomy
29, we have a warning about bitterness:
(Dt 29:18–19 NKJV) —18
so that there may not be among you man or woman or family or tribe, whose heart
turns away today from the Lord
our God, to go and serve the gods of these nations, and that there may not be among you a root bearing bitterness or wormwood; 19 and so it may not
happen, when he hears the words of this curse, that he blesses himself in his
heart, saying, ‘I shall have peace, even though I follow the dictates of my
heart’— as though the drunkard could be included with the sober.
This is given in the middle of a passage warning the people about the
difficulties they will face if they don’t obey God.
The idea is this – when we allow bitterness to reside in our hearts, we run
the risk of falling into the trap of thinking that God’s ways don’t apply to
us. We begin to think that we can do
whatever we want, and end up causing a world of hurt by walking away from God.
You must forgive. You must get rid
of the bitterness.
Grow
Grow spiritually
Anger is a
function of my fleshly sin nature.
(Ga 5:19–21 NKJV) —19
Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are… outbursts of wrath,
…
Patience and
self control are functions of the Spirit’s work in my life.
(Ga 5:22–23 NKJV) —22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control.
The more I crucify my flesh and grow in the Spirit, the better my anger
problem becomes.
Don’t confuse Bible Study and church with actual, real, deep spiritual
growth. Some of the angriest people I
know are “church people”.
Going to more Bible Studies is not going to help unless you are actually
allowing the Spirit to do the work in you that He needs to do.
The Tree
(Ex 15:22–25 NKJV) —22
So Moses brought Israel from the Red Sea; then they went out into the
Wilderness of Shur. And they went three days in the wilderness and found no
water. 23 Now when
they came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah, for they were
bitter. Therefore the name of it was called Marah. 24 And the people complained
against Moses, saying, “What shall we drink?” 25 So he cried out to the Lord, and the
Lord showed him a tree.
When he cast it into the waters, the waters were made sweet.
The Scripture
sometimes calls the cross of Jesus a “tree”.
Putting the tree into the water makes me think of bringing the cross to
my bitterness.
When I’ve got
shame, hurt, or fear it helps to look at the cross.
He took my
shame at the cross.
I look at Jesus
and realize that there is healing for my hurts at the cross.
I look at what
Jesus did for me and I am reminded of how much He loves me, and His perfect
love casts out fear.
I really don’t need to be angry. I need Jesus.