Parenting – pt.1

Sunday Morning Bible Study

December 6, 1998

Introduction

You Know You're a Parent When ...

You eat dinner on dinosaur-decorated placemats

You catch yourself singing the "Barney" theme song -- in public.

You stop the tears by taping broken crayons back together.

You long for nothing more than a good night's sleep

You know the best way to scrape dried Cheerios off the floor

You find out you never have to buy another Christmas ornament

You share the storage closet with a miniature broom and vacuum cleaner.

You take phone messages in crayon.

You always buy the big pack of batteries-- but you can never find one when you need one.

You find action figures in your washing machine

You find yourself cutting your spouse's meat into bite-sized pieces

You have to explain to a bawling child that the vegetables that you are cutting up for dinner are not the Veggie-Tales in the video.

I have a few concerns about this message:

First, for those of you without children who will want to tune me out.

But in truth, I know that we all play roles in the lives of the many children around us, whether we’re parents or not. And as Martin Luther once said, "People who do not like children are swine, dunces, and blockheads, not worthy to be called men and women, because they despise the blessing of God, the Creator and Author of marriage."

Keep in mind the impact that Jesus had on children, and He didn’t have any physical children of His own. But He still loved them and took time for them.

I’m also a little scared because I certainly don’t feel like I have all the answers.

John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester (1647-1680) said, "Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories."

So the best that I can do is to take us to the Scriptures to begin to see what instructions that God gives us as parents.

Lesson #1

You need God’s Word.

(Deu 6:4-7 KJV) Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD: {5} And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. {6} And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: {7} And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

There’s lots of good books and other materials on parenting, but the most important thing that you can be reading for the sake of your children is God’s Word. And more than just reading it, it needs to get into your heart.

Your kids need you to be having a daily time in God’s Word. They need to see you as a mom or dad who reads their Bible. But they also need to see you living it out as well.

Lesson #2

Teach your children God’s Word

(Deu 6:4-7 KJV) Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD: {5} And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. {6} And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: {7} And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

For some of us, this can sound kind of threatening. But you don’t have to be a pastor to read your Bible to your kids. Or get a Children’s Bible story book. An easy place to start is in the gospels. Or the book of Acts. Try reading to them at bedtime. A game we play is to read the passage and then ask "trivia" questions of the kids to see who was paying the most attention.

Illustration

R. A. Torrey wrote, "It is easiest to lead a child from five to ten years to a definite acceptance of Christ. I rejoice in the work done by rescue missions, where we see the wrecks of manhood and womanhood changed into noble men and women. But this is not the work that produces the most satisfactory Christians. The younger we get a child to accept Christ and begin Christian training, the more beautiful the product. The overwhelming majority in our churches today were converted before twenty-one years of age. Whatever your church does, let it do its full duty by the children."

Lesson #3

Study your kids, train them for life

(Prov 22:6 KJV) Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This verse has often been used to tell parents that if they lead their children to the Lord at an early age, then they’ll remain faithful Christians. The heart breaking truth is that sometimes children do wander away from the Lord.

But what this verse is actually saying (according to a more accurate translation) is, "Train up a child according to his way …"

The idea is that we as parents ought to be working to understand the "way" our children ought to be trained. We ought to be looking for our children’s strengths and teaching them how to make the most of them.

Illustration

Ruth Stafford Peale gives this advice for encouraging the uniqueness in our children:

"The secret is this: watch to see where a child's innate skills or talents lie, then gently (do not expect too much too soon) lead or coax him or her in those areas. It may be difficult for a father who was a crack athlete to understand and help a son who would rather play chess than football. But chess, not football, is what such a boy needs if confidence is to grow in him. If he does that one thing well he will come to believe that he can do other things well, and he won't be afraid to attempt them. Children are encouraged when we affirm their originality. Some kids are athletic. Some aren't. Some are musical. Some aren't. Some are introverts. Others are extroverts. They are all different, but they are all gifts to us from God. As the psalmist says, they are 'a heritage of the Lord' (Psalm 127:3)."

-- Ruth Stafford Peale, The Friendship Factor, p. 99.

This requires that we take time to understand our children. It means paying attention to them.

Illustration

A waitress was taking orders from a couple and their young son; she was one of the class of veteran waitresses who never show outright disrespect to their customers, but who frequently make it quietly evident by their unhurried pace and their level stare that they fear no mortal, not even parents. She jotted on her order pad deliberately and silently as the father and mother gave their luncheon selection and gratuitous instructions as to what was to be substituted for what, and which dressing changed to what sauce. When she finally turned to the boy, he began his order with a kind of fearful desperation. "I want a hot dog--," he started. And both parents barked at once, "No hot dog!" The mother went on. "Bring him the lyonnaise potatoes and the beef, both vegetables, and a hard roll and--"

The waitress wasn't even listening. She said evenly to the youngster, "What do you want on your hot dog?" He flashed an amazed smile. "Ketchup, lots of ketchup, and--and bring a glass of milk."

"Coming up," she said as she turned from the table, leaving behind her the stunned silence of utter parental dismay. The boy watched her go before he turned to his father and mother with astonished elation to say, "You know what? She thinks I'm real! She thinks I'm real!" - Frederick B. Speakman

Now, don’t fear parents, I’m not advocating hotdogs as the diet for your children. But I am saying that we need to be taking our children seriously enough that they know that we pay attention to them and that we "think they’re real".

It’s when we pay attention to them that we learn how to train them according to their "bent" in life. It’s not about squeezing them all into the same mold, it’s learning to bring out each one’s strengths and minimizing their weaknesses.

Lesson #4

Children have a built in desire to please their parents

(Prov 17:6 KJV) Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers.

(Prov 17:6 NLT) Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged; parents are the pride of their children.

There’s a sense in which children have this built-in sense of wanting to please mom or dad. Okay, okay, I know sometimes it’s hiding pretty deep, but it’s there.

Illustration

Some years ago Columbia University had a great football coach by the name of Lou Little. One day Lou had a boy try out for the varsity team who wasn't really very good. But Lou noticed that there was something unique about him--while he wasn't nearly good enough to make the team, he had such irrepressible spirit and contagious enthusiasm that Lou thought, This boy would be a great inspiration on the bench. He'll never be able to play, but I'll leave him on the team to encourage the others.

As the season went on, Lou began to develop a tremendous admiration and love for this boy. One of the things that especially impressed him was the manner with which the boy obviously cared for his father. Whenever the father would come for a visit to the campus the boy and his father would always be seen walking together, arm in arm, an obvious indication of an exceptional bond of love between them. They could always be seen on Sunday going to and from the university chapel. It was obvious that theirs was a deep and mutually shared Christian faith. Then, one day, a telephone call came to Coach Little. He was informed that the boy's father had just died--would he be the one to tell the boy? With a heavy heart Lou informed the boy of his father's death, and he immediately left to go home for the funeral.

A few days later the boy returned to the campus, only two days before the biggest game of the season. Lou went to him and said, "Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?" And to the coach's astonishment the boy said, "Let me start the game on Saturday!" Lou was taken aback. He thought, I can't let him start--he's not good enough. But he remembered his promise to help and said, "All right--you can start the game," but he thought to himself, I'll leave him in for a few plays and then take him out. The day of the big game arrived. To everyone's surprise the coach started this boy who had never played in a game all season. But imagine even the coach's surprise when, on the very first play from scrimmage, that boy was the one who single--handedly made a tackle that threw the opposing team for a loss. The boy went on to play inspired football play after play. In fact, he played so exceptionally that Lou left him in for the entire game; the boy led his team to victory and he was voted the outstanding player of the game.

When the game was finally over Lou approached the boy and said, "Son, what got into you today?" And the boy replied, "You remember when my father would visit me here at school and we would spend a lot of time together walking arm in arm around the campus? My father and I shared a secret that nobody around here knew anything about. You see, my father was blind--and today was the first time he ever saw me play!"

--James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, 1988) pp. 171-172.

It’s important that we take the time to tell our children how much we love them and how proud we are of them.

Illustration

A person's last thoughts of the day remain in the subconscious all night. It's a good reason, as you say goodnight to your child, to praise him or her for a character strength you admire or act or word of theirs that made you proud of them.

-- Paul Lewis, Better Families, Vol. 19, No. 3, March 1995.

Because parents are what a child takes pride in, parents become the examples kids are most likely to follow.

Lesson #5

Teach by example

Billy Graham wrote, "Children will invariably talk, eat, walk, think, respond, and act like their parents. Give them a target to shoot at. Give them a goal to work toward. Give them a pattern that they can see clearly, and you give them something that gold and silver cannot buy."

In the Old Testament, each new king that came along was often measured by whether he followed in the good example of his fathers:

(2 Chr 17:3 KJV) And the LORD was with Jehoshaphat, because he walked in the first ways of his father David, and sought not unto Baalim;

(2 Chr 20:32 KJV) And he walked in the way of Asa his father, and departed not from it, doing that which was right in the sight of the LORD.

(2 Chr 26:4 KJV) And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah did.

(2 Chr 27:2 KJV) And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Uzziah did: howbeit he entered not into the temple of the LORD. And the people did yet corruptly.

Note that it was "all that his father Uzziah did". It wasn’t a matter of what he was told, but what he had seen.

Paul, in his life, set an example for others to follow. He didn't just tell people what to do, he lived it out in front of them.

(2 Th 3:6-9 KJV) Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us. {7} For yourselves know how ye ought to follow us: for we behaved not ourselves disorderly among you; {8} Neither did we eat any man's bread for nought; but wrought with labour and travail night and day, that we might not be chargeable to any of you: {9} Not because we have not power, but to make ourselves an ensample unto you to follow us.

Fathers can be examples:

Illustration

Bill Hybels writes, "If you're a Dad, what kind of mark are you leaving on your children, especially your sons? Do you realize that your little boys are watching you like hawks? They're trying to figure out what maleness is all about, and you're their model. I hope they see in you a deep, uncompromising love for God. I hope they see both toughness and tenderness. If they do, then you have served them well; they will be forever grateful. Your little girls, too, will benefit because they'll grow up with a clear vision of the kind of men who make godly husbands."

-- 15 Minutes Alone With God (Harvest House, 1995), p. 129.

I think there’s a sense in which the kind of father we are will play a part in how our children will relate to God.

Illustration

A Sunday school class of first-graders was asked to draw a picture of God. When the pastor stopped by to inspect their work, the children were happy to show him their drawings. One had depicted God in the form of a brightly colored rainbow. Another had drawn the face of an old man coming out of billowing clouds. And there was one rendition which looked a lot like Superman. But perhaps the best was the one proudly displayed by a girl who said, "I didn't know what God looked like, so I just drew a picture of my daddy."

I hope that our kids see enough of Jesus in us that their first ideas of God and His love come through our example to them.

I’ve counseled with more than a few gals who were abused by their fathers, and as a result, they have had many struggles to overcome in coming to God the Father because they keep thinking of what their father was like, as incorrect as that is.

Fathers, do your children get the concept from you that God is angry with them all the time? Do they get the feeling that the Father doesn’t have too much time for them?

Mothers can be examples:

Timothy had been greatly influenced by the example of both his mother and his grandmother:

(2 Tim 1:5 NLT) I know that you sincerely trust the Lord, for you have the faith of your mother, Eunice, and your grandmother, Lois.

Illustration

There is a story about four pastors discussing the merits of the various translations of the Bible. One liked the King James Version best because of its simple, beautiful English. Another liked the American Revised Version best because it was closer to the original Hebrew and Greek. Still another liked a contemporary version because of its up-to-date vocabulary. The fourth minister was silent for a moment, then said, "I like my mother's translation best."

Surprised, the other three men said they didn't know his mother had translated the Bible. "Yes," he replied, "She translated it into life, and it was the most convincing translation I ever saw."

-- Eleanor Doan in Seasons of Motherhood: A Garden of Memories (Victor Books).

Illustration

When Dr. R.A. Torrey was a young man, he had no faith in God or the Bible. His mother, however, was a devout Christian who constantly prayed for his conversion and often witnessed to him. One day he said to her, "I don't want to hear about my sins and your prayers; I'm going to leave and not bother you any more." With tear-filled eyes the woman followed him to the gate and pleaded with him to change his mind. But he would not be detained. Frantically she cried, "Son, you are going the wrong way, but when you come to the end of your rope and everything seems hopeless, call upon your mother's God with all your heart and He will surely help you!" After Torrey left home, he went deeper into the ways of sin. One night in a hotel room he was unable to sleep. Weary from the problems pressing in on every hand, he decided to take the gun he kept in his dresser and end his life. Just as he reached for the weapon, he remembered his mother's last words. Convicted by the Holy Spirit, he fell on his knees and cried out, "O God of my mother, if there is such a Being, I need Your help. If You will give it to me, I'll follow You!" In a moment his darkened heart was illumined, and peace filled his soul. Later R.A. Torrey became an outstanding evangelist who led thousands to Christ!

Are you discouraged because your children or teenagers aren't interested in the things of the Lord? Keep praying for them, loving them, and living a consistent life before them. Never underestimate the power of your example!

Grandparents can be examples:

What is a grandparent?

A grandmother, according to a little bulletin sent out by the Hutchinson, Kansas, Leisure Years Center, is a lady who has no children of her own, so she likes other people's little boys and girls. A grandfather is a man for a grandmother. He goes for walks with boys and they talk about fishing and tractors and things like that. Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they should not play hard, or run. It is enough if they drive us to market where the pretend horse is and have lots of dimes ready. Or, if they take us for walks, they would slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They should never say, "Hurry up." They wear glasses and funny underwear. They don't have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats. They don't talk baby talk like visitors do, because it is hard to understand. When they read to us, they don't skip, or mind if it is the same story again.

Illustration

Art Linkletter said at age 80 that he skied, surfed, swam 40 laps a day and made 75 speeches a year. "Do something with your lives," the former radio and TV broadcaster told a group of senior citizens. Linkletter, said one of the greatest rewards for a senior citizen is "to pass on what he knows and spend time with his grandchildren, giving them a connection with the past."

-- The Columbus Dispatch, 8-22-92, p. 2E

Lesson #6

Examples take time. Your time.

Being a good example is hard when parents aren’t around much. Sometimes we get so sidetracked with our careers, and sometimes it’s all because we want to be good "providers" for our children. But the very best thing you can provide for your children is a good example. And that’s hard when they’re your not there "in thine house" or "by the way".

(Deu 6:7 KJV) And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

Illustration

Speaker and author Carol Kent was on the fast track to being an absentee parent--until her young son, Jason, made a simple observation. She recalls: "We were eating breakfast together, and I had on an old pair of slacks and a fuzzy old sweater. He flashed his baby blues at me over his cereal bowl and said, 'Mommy, you look so pretty today.' I didn't even have makeup on! So I said, 'Honey, why would you say I look pretty today? Normally I'm dressed in a suit and high heels.' And he said, 'When you look like that, I know you're going some place; but when you look like this, I know you're mine.' "His words were like an arrow piercing my heart. I realized I might fail at being a godly Christian mother because I was saying yes to so many speaking engagements. I got on my knees with my precious appointment book and offered it to God."

-- Jan L. Senn in Today's Christian Woman. Christian Reader, Vol. 33, no. 4.

Illustration

A pastor was concerned when two of his three sons began to stutter. He made an appointment for them to see a speech therapist (who was also a psychologist), and later had a conference himself. "That psychologist literally cursed me," the pastor said. "He told me I was responsible for that speech defect, and that I was ruining my boys' lives. 'When did you last take your family on a vacation?' he asked me. "Well, it had been a long, long time. I was too busy to take time with my family. I remember I used to say that the Devil never takes a vacation, so why should I?--And I never stopped to think that the Devil wasn't to be my example."

-- Joe Bayly in Out of My Mind. Christianity Today, Vol. 39, no. 7.

Someone once wrote:

100 years from now it will not matter:

What kind of car I drove.

What kind of house I lived in.

How much money I had in my account.

Nor what my clothes looked like.

But the world may be a little better.

Because I was important in the life of a child.

-- Unknown