The Big Three

Last week we talked about lovelessness, namely our own lack of love and the serious nature of that condition, that when we don’t love our brother we abide in death. If you missed last week I suggest you get the CD because in my review I can’t possibly do justice to what we discussed last week. But a quick review will help us tonight as we are focusing on a something I briefly mentioned last time, something I promised to go into more detail on tonight.

Last week we discussed that there are two basic types of lovelessness called assault or pursuing and withdrawal or distancing. We talked about how these are so normal for all of us that most often we can’t see any other way of behaving. We talked about how when we engage in pursuing and withdrawing we are behaving no different than the world and we are not sharing God’s love. We also showed briefly how differently Jesus behaved when presented with the opportunity/temptation to pursue or withdraw. We saw how he moved past the big three; hurt, fear, & shame, and realized those around him knew not what they were doing. He had compassion on them and showed deep care and concern even to the point where he set aside his own needs for them. We also discussed how that can practically work out in our lives. Tonight I promised to talk a lot more about the big three feelings underlying our temptations to act lovelessly, how these three can lead us to lovelessness, what they are, and how Jesus can help us begin the fundamental change needed to become Christlike in our relations with each other.

First I would like to start with a couple more examples showing you this at work in the lives of those in scripture. Let’s turn to 1 Samuel 18 and see this at work in the life of King Saul, follow along in your version and I will read from the New Living as it explicitly states what is clearly implied in every version, starting in verse 6-13 of chaper 18:

[1Sa 18:6-13 NLT] - [6] But something happened when the victorious Israelite army was returning home after David had killed Goliath. Women came out from all the towns along the way to celebrate and to cheer for King Saul, and they sang and danced for joy with tambourines and cymbals. [7] This was their song: "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands!" [8] This made Saul very angry. "What's this?" he said. "They credit David with ten thousands and me with only thousands. Next they'll be making him their king!" [9] So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David. [10] The very next day, in fact, a tormenting spirit from God overwhelmed Saul, and he began to rave like a madman. David began to play the harp, as he did whenever this happened. But Saul, who had a spear in his hand, [11] suddenly hurled it at David, intending to pin him to the wall. But David jumped aside and escaped. This happened another time, too, [12] for Saul was afraid of him, and he was jealous because the LORD had left him and was now with David. [13] Finally, Saul banned him from his presence and appointed him commander over only a thousand men, but David faithfully led his troops into battle.

Notice it initially says Saul was very angry in verse 8 and in Saul’s expression of his anger he says “what more can he have but the kingdom.” This is a clear statement of fear by Saul, something acknowledged in verse 12. Saul’s fear, unresolved, leads to Saul acting out his anger; thru assaulting, first in words and finally physically with a spear. This led to the Lord leaving Saul and Saul’s eventual great fall from grace, really a swan dive into a hell of his own making. David, a man after God’s heart, on the other hand does not withdraw from Saul’s assault, nor does he assault back. Instead David endures patiently, and continues to try to do good for Saul. Later David will have two very clear opportunities to assault Saul, specifically the two chances he has to kill him, but he will not act in the same loveless way Saul acts. In the meantime, as David tries to endure, Saul’s lovelessness also includes a bit of withdrawing as he bans David from his presence. Saul tries to engage in both behaviors, assault and withdrawal, in an attempt to get David to dance this loveless dance with him. The story of David’s rise to the throne and Saul’s eventual death is a great example of God’s true love at work in David, albeit he has slip ups along the way, and the world’s loveless dance in action in Saul. Saul’s fall has its roots in fear, the anger he used to cover up his fear, and the eventual actions he took, attempted murder, to try and deal with his fear.

Another example I want to quickly point out is in the New Testament, and it is probably very familiar to you. Please turn to Mark chapter 14, this has to do with our favorite Jewish fisherman. We will start in verse 27, where the story begins:

[Mar 14:27-31 NKJV] - [27] Then Jesus said to them, "All of you will be made to stumble because of Me this night, for it is written: 'I will strike the Shepherd, And the sheep will be scattered.' [28] "But after I have been raised, I will go before you to Galilee." [29] Peter said to Him, "Even if all are made to stumble, yet I will not be." [30] Jesus said to him, "Assuredly, I say to you that today, even this night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times." [31] But he spoke more vehemently, "If I have to die with You, I will not deny You!" And they all said likewise.

Now skip down to verse 66, later that night, and let’s read what ends up happening:

[Mar 14:66-72 NKJV] - [66] Now as Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came. [67] And when she saw Peter warming himself, she looked at him and said, "You also were with Jesus of Nazareth." [68] But he denied it, saying, "I neither know nor understand what you are saying." And he went out on the porch, and a rooster crowed. [69] And the servant girl saw him again, and began to say to those who stood by, "This is one of them." [70] But he denied it again. And a little later those who stood by said to Peter again, "Surely you are one of them; for you are a Galilean, and your speech shows it." [71] Then he began to curse and swear, "I do not know this Man of whom you speak!" [72] A second time the rooster crowed. Then Peter called to mind the word that Jesus had said to him, "Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times." And when he thought about it, he wept.

The story begins with Peter’s pride, an inflated view of himself. Why do we entertain inflated views of ourselves, well usually it is because we really don’t think very highly of ourselves, we are ashamed of how we see ourselves, so, we try to act or at least speak with bravado. It helps us to, for a time; feel better about ourselves as we try to convince ourselves and others we are not who we are ashamed we really are. Peter’s pride and the accompanying shame is something he will end up struggling with his whole life: why else, later in life in the book of Acts, will he boast that nothing unclean has ever touched his lips and say no to his Lord, or why else will he eventually give into the Judiazers in Antioch? Peter’s attempt to cope with his shame leads him to boasts he would die for Jesus and he fails to head the master’s warning. You see Jesus was trying to help Peter be prepared for the sifting that was about to occur. Jesus warns Pete that Satan desires to sift him, but Jesus has prayed for him. Satan was about to hit Pete’s big button, shame. I wish that Jesus’ prayer for Pete would’ve been recorded; it would be very interesting to hear what Jesus asked his Father to do in Peter’s life. Peter denies Jesus out of his fear of physical harm but the fear isn’t the real issue. Peter goes out crying in the end because is ashamed of what he has just done. He is ashamed of what he is in his own mind, a failure. His next act is to withdraw, especially later when he realizes that Jesus is alive. He runs away to Galilee and when Jesus comes to him he initially tries to give up his ministry and admit defeat. The story does not end there thank God, but, before we finish the story, I want to talk about the big three specifically what they are and then we will see how Jesus begins the fundamental shift that allows us to begin the healing process, which is what he is about to do for Peter.

There are many stories throughout the Bible showing this at work, what is universal is that when we encounter the three big overwhelming emotions; pain, fear, shame, or some dreaded combination of them, we tend to fall into one of the two forms of lovelessness, as a means to cope, we assault or withdraw from those we are associating those feelings with, or maybe we do both. Saul associates his fear with David and mostly assaults and sometimes withdraws. Peter associates his shame, which came out of his fear, with Jesus and when he realizes Jesus is alive he tries to withdraw as far away as he can get without taking the ultimate withdrawal that Judas takes, i.e. suicide. The three are not always as easy to see, but they are all ultimately there in some form, usually in some combination like with Peter. The one I haven’t given an explicit example for is hurt or pain, but it leads to the same sinful dance in probably very obvious ways. We are hurt by something we perceive someone doing to us; we then either get angry and attack the person for hurting us to get them to stop, or we sulk or in an attempt to try to protect ourselves we withdraw away from that person.

In life the feelings underneath our lovelessness are usually very complicated so it may help us to define the three a bit to help us not confuse them, even though most all of us have had experience with all of them. Their definitions are not complicated, but their manifestations may be very multifaceted. Hurt or pain is that feeling with which our whole body cringes and if we didn’t have other inhibitions when we felt it fully we would cry. It is both a physical response, as in we are injured and it hurts, and a psychological response, something is said or done that we perceive as damaging to us or is unpleasant to us to some degree. The pain can come from many sources: it can be a biting or cutting remark that hurts, or maybe we perceive someone marginalizes us or overlooks us and we then believe that we are in some sense worthless or unworthy, or even still it could simply be from the regular events of life that separate us from those we care about and the loneliness that ensues. Fear is when we feel something painful or hurtful may occur to us in the future. It may be based on past experience with painful things or maybe it is the experience of others we have heard about or known. It could even be something that we invent on our own that we could imagine being very painful. Sometimes it is things that may not ever occur, such as our house burning down, at other times it is things that most definitely will occur, that someone close to us will die. Often it is some combination of these and it is very powerful. Finally shame is a feeling associated with embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace, inadequacy, humiliation, or chagrin (displeasure mixed with embarrassment.) It is closely related to guilt and there have been great attempts to attempt separate the two ideas, but for our purposes they are linked. When we are ashamed we feel less than others or maybe, if we are experiencing a lot of shame, it can feel as if we are the worst person in the room or even the world. It is often accompanied with strong self hatred and a personal disgust with oneself. It can sometimes manifest itself outwardly with its opposite, pride. It often creates a desire to cover up or hide whatever is perceived to be causing the shameful or guilty feelings. Most often they are felt by us in response to perceived or actual failures or sins of our past or present. Since this is the case we all tend to experience some level of guilt and shame. Due to the universal experience of shame and guilt, they are probably the greatest motivators of the three and in the end the most destructive, but that is just opinion, the other two left untreated are also very destructive in their own right, as we can see in Saul.

As a side note: most all secular psychology is wrapped up in a solution to shame and guilt since most psychosis is a result of shame or guilt. Their solution is to convince the sufferer that there really is no reason to feel shame and guilt and they want them to come to some sort of acceptance of their sin and failure as normal and acceptable behavior, as long as it is not criminal. In fact criminality and destructive vice is one place this world view breaks down.

So, if the world’s solutions don’t work then what do we have that is different that can help us? This is where Emmanuel comes to save us. In fact Emmanuel is exactly the solution in a nutshell. Let me explain, Emmanuel is God with us, or as Paul said in Colossians chapter 1:

[Col 1:27 NKJV] - [27] To them [us in context] God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

 Christ is in us because first he was with us in Bethlehem and finally in Jerusalem. I realize you are probably rolling your eyes back in your head saying great a Sunday school answer, but bear with me. While on the surface the answer is simple, and it really is, it requires more explanation so we may understand exactly how this works practically in our life. You see the incarnation life ministry and death of Jesus is where the fundamental shift begins for us. Let’s look at how.

The shift begins as we learn Christ’s way of dealing with Shame and Guilt in our lives. Initially each of the big three have a specific function and are not all bad. Pain helps u to know things are bad for us, such as the pain of putting our hand too near a flame. The hurt we experience teaches us the danger of fire. Fear is very similar; it is a learned response, when healthy, to some previous pain. For example, once we’ve been burned by fire we have a healthy fear of putting our hand too near a flame. Shame and guilt can also be appropriate feelings for someone who is acting out against God and His Law. When we break God’s law shame or guilt is the appropriate response for us and we will experience it in some form as long as our conscious has not been seared, burned, as with a hot iron. If we ever achieve the ultimate end of the world’s initial recommendation, to not feel shame or guilt, then we truly become capable of horrifying behaviors. The world doesn’t really want an end of shame and guilt; they just want to decide what we should and should not feel shame and guilt about. Without shame and guilt nobody would be alive here on earth, we would’ve killed ourselves off. That being said the problem for us is what do we do with the shame and guilt we experience because we really are unable to cop with them? The answer is found in 1 John 1:9 “[1Jo 1:9 NKJV] - [9] If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Shame and guilt are only meant for sin not covered by the blood. The word shame comes from the idea of to cover, like when we cover up if someone walks in on us changing clothes, and that is what happens as we confess our sin to God and others, he covers our shame. The believer who has confessed their sin and received God’s forgiveness is free from shame… Think about that statement. Do you want to be free from shame? That is the ultimate offer of the cross, freedom from shame and guilt! He bore it all for us on the cross so we never have to bear it ourselves. What does Jesus do with Peter and his shame? Let’s look at the end of that story now. Turn to the gospel of John chapter 21 verse 15. Jesus has tracked down Peter and he reaches out to him after he has first met his physical need for food, here is the exchange:

[Jhn 21:15-19 NKJV] - [15] So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Feed My lambs." [16] He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My sheep." [17] He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, "Feed My sheep. [18] "Most assuredly, I say to you, when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish." [19] This He spoke, signifying by what death he would glorify God. And when He had spoken this, He said to him, "Follow Me."

Many of you know, and if you’ve never heard it before then here it is for the first time that initially Jesus uses the word Agape, sacrificial love, in his first two questions directed toward Pete, but Peter answers with the Greek word phileo, like or friendship love, in his answers. In Jesus’ final question he meets Peter where he is and asks if he phileo or likes him? Peter is ashamed that he didn’t die for him, how could he say he loved Jesus sacrificially if he ran and denied him when it really counted? The beauty of our savior and of the cross is that he meets us in our shame but doesn’t leave us there. After he acknowledges Peter’s failure to love by using the same word for love Peter uses he then tells Peter, you are still useful to me, even in your failure. Feed my sheep he says. You have not lost your value to me even if you don’t see value in yourself. Jesus doesn’t even stop there, he goes on to tell him that yes, one day you will fulfill your promise, you will die for me. You will glorify me in the end, but for now just follow me. How beautiful this is. Jesus is the ultimate answer to our shame. He came to die for it, for us. In his death he restores us and we no longer have any reason to be ashamed or feel guilt for the failures of our past. In fact God sees value in us even when we don’t. we are very useful to him and not the total failures we can believe ourselves to be. Once sin is confessed it is the devil tempting us to be ashamed and hide our past and hide our failures. Once we are forgiven it is Satan’s tactic to try to steal our freedom and enslave us to guilt that we have no part in. We are no longer ashamed for the gospel is the power of God unto salvation, a salvation from shame and guilt itself.

We can and hopefully do share this with each other. As we see others struggling with shame, whether believers or not, we can offer this freedom, for the first time to unbelievers or yet again to believers under attack from the enemy. For fellow believers we can reaffirm their freedom from their guilt and we can listen to their confessions of sin and affirm Christ’s forgiveness for them. This is why specific sharing of our past can be so freeing an experience in a place of safety in Christ. The person sharing can receive Christ’s acceptance and grace from fellow believers as they share their lives in an environment free from the shame they already feel. This is why blaming and shaming others is off limits for a Christian. Jesus did not come to condemn the world but so that world through him might be saved. When we engage in shaming and blaming other believers for their past, or any confessed sin for that matter, we are doing the devil’s work. We are engaging in sin itself and if someone calls us on it we should repent of it immediately. We are Christ’s ambassadors for healing and freedom from sin. But remember, if we are engaging in sin and someone calls us on it, whatever the sin, and we feel shame, then that is normal and natural until we surrender the sin, confess it (acknowledge it as wrong to God and others,) and turn it over to God. If we feel shame or guilt before we surrender it at the cross that is to be expected. Also someone pointing out our unconfessed sin as wrong is not shaming us, they are trying to help us and prevent us from going further away from God like Saul did.

This fundamental shift away from shame the cross makes possible allows us to begin God’s divine plan of healing for fear and pain too. Freedom from all of the big three lies in this. The healing is of course all dependent on a trust in God’s love for us and constant contact with Him and other believers. Once shame and guilt are dealt with we can now share our fears and hurts without any real fear of being looked down upon or shunned. As we share these feelings in a safe caring environment we can find the deep understanding we seek and each of us can help to bring God’s comfort to each other. In fact, free from shame, real comfort can finally truly be found. We talked about this last week in the example I used from my marriage. Once we have the freedom to feel and share our feelings we can than truly comfort each other. The problem now is in the community of believers. The body of Christ has not sworn off the use of shame as a means to change people. Remember God didn’t shame us to change us. It says, [Rom 5:8 NKJV] - [8] But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. And again [Rom 8:1 NKJV] - [1] There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. God didn’t use condemnation as his method to bring healing to our lives, instead he came and laid himself on altar for us while we were still his sworn enemies. God’s life is offered to us free of shame. Once we, the body, stop shaming each other and start actually caring for each other, then we can begin Jehovah Rapha’s (God our Healer) work of restoration and healing. We can be there to hear each other’s hurts, pains and fears. We can acknowledge them and comfort each other. Each situation will be unique, and there is no real formula for comfort except to listen, acknowledge the fear or hurt, truly care for them, and help them in any Godly way they ask for. Again don’t do anything that is against God’s written word but do attempt to do whatever else you can reasonably do for them. Be like Jesus and feed the multitude, feed his sheep.

As we do this for each other we break the power of the world over us and God creates something very beautiful within our church. We become very attractive to the unbelievers around us too. They see something completely unlike anything else they’ve ever known, something holy, and something completely foreign to this world. Something completely like our God and Savior Jesus Christ. A people who are caring, compassionate and loving, in fact they find the true and real love they’ve always been yearning for. We find it in Jesus, just as he promised us and we spread it to each other.