Our Lovelessness

(1 John 3:14)

We are talking about a very serious scripture here tonight, one that haunts me and has informed much of my growth over the past year, it is:

[1Jo 3:14 NKJV] - [14] We know that we have passed from death to life because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death.

Notice it does not say “he who hates his brother abides in death,” but it says “he who does not love abides in death.” This was pointed out to me that the one who lacks love is the one who abides in death, not just the one who hates. The scripture does go on to condemn hate in verse 15, reminding us hate is equal to murder and no murderer has eternal life. But this verse merely speaks of a lack of love. God is love and therefore a withdrawal from love is a withdrawal from God

In Dallas Willard’s books Revolution of Character, and Renovation of the Heart, he identifies this passage and two basic forms of lovelessness that occur in our relations with others, after all this passage is only worked out in relation to other people. He says,

The poison of sin (in our relations with others)…has two forms. They are so closely related that they really are two forms of the same thing: lovelessness, a lack of proper regard and care for others. These two forms are assault, or attack, and withdrawal, or distancing. They are so much a part of ordinary human existence that most people think they are just reality and never imagine that we could live without them.

He goes on to define them as:

We assault others when we act against what is good for them, even with their consent…seduction is assault, as is participation in the social structures that institutionalize evil. The more explicit and well-known forms of assault are dealt with in the last six of the ten commandments- murder, adultery, theft, lying, etc…a verbal assault, whether refined or brutal (we speak of a cutting remark), is specifically designed to hurt a person and to inflict loss of standing or respect in his own eyes and before others.

I have also heard this form of evil called pursuing. Some of us are prone to this one. The pursuer is the one in an argument that would yell out, “hey don’t you walk away from me!” or “Get over here right now!” They are also the one that chases after the one walking out the door and maybe blocks the doorway to prevent the other from leaving, or maybe they go a different way and try to make peace with the one leaving just so they can feel better about themselves or not be afraid they will be left alone. The pursuer is often motivated by fear, which leads into all types of sin. The pursuer is also the one who uses biting remarks or verbal nagging as a way to motivate others to behave in the way they desire.

Willard goes on to define withdrawal as:

We withdraw from others when we regard their wellbeing as a matter of indifference to us; perhaps we go so far as to despise or hold contempt for them. We “don’t care.”…the tongue, once again, can assault by withdrawal—by not speaking. Some forms of withdrawal are motivated by weakness, fear, uncertainty, or even gut reactions toward how another person looks or acts.

Some of us are more prone to this style of lovelessness. It is the silent treatment. It is walking out the door or hanging up the phone. It is the one trying to assume power in the relationship and control the other by saying this only happens when I say it happens. It is also the one who avoids talking to the other person or just hopes the problem will go away if nobody talks about it. This is the person the other one is yelling at to “come back here!” This is the person who hears the others nagging and ignores the cry of pain in it.

Pain after all is one of the biggest motivators of our lovelessness; both types of it reveal a hurt, a pain. Both the one assaulting and the one withdrawing are hurt and are now hurting the other person, in an attempt to deal with their own hurt; or they might be afraid of the situation or something that might happen in the future, or they may be ashamed of something they’ve done or afraid they’ve done something terrible or will do something terrible, or maybe they are hurt by something that has been said or is perceived to have been said, but it is most likely some combination of all of these. Both are hoping the other will see where they are and care enough about them to recognize what is going on. Most often this never happens and this sinful dance escalates into something sinister that damages both parties and the relationship or friendship. Maybe you see yourself, your relationship, or maybe your life in this loveless dance. Odds are it is all of us. None of us see ourselves as sinning in these situations, but that is exactly what is going on. We are putting our own needs above the hurts and fears, the needs, of the other person and the plan God has for us. We are not walking in love as 1 John 3:16 goes on to define love:

[1Jo 3:16 NKJV] - [16] By this we know love because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

In this dance we are not laying our lives down, we are holding our ground. We are demanding that someone meet our needs. We are not sacrificing our needs to meet the deep need of the other person like Jesus did for us. That sacrifice is after all the essence of the cross. We are all living life the World’s way when we participate in Pursuing and Withdrawing. This is what comes naturally in relationships, to behave this way. Now, this may be shocking for us to realize but this is serious. The enemy has managed to convince us that this dance isn’t really a sin or even a problem and by this one thing he is destroying marriages, friendships, and hurting the next generation by ripping apart parents and children. You see this type of relating doesn’t just happen in marriage but in every interpersonal relationship: in close friendships when two people just don’t talk anymore because one feels slighted; and even from a parent to a child as a parent pursues their child and the child feels unsafe to share with their parent for fear of how their parent might react to the information, that they may go off on a crusade for their kid or some other over the top response. But God has a whole different way for us to relate to each other, a way He modeled for us in his Son, Jesus, and has been taught to us in the scriptures.

Let’s look first at Jesus, let’s look at one example in Mark 6:30:

[Mar 6:30-37 NKJV] - [30] Then the apostles gathered to Jesus and told Him all things, both what they had done and what they had taught. [31] And He said to them, "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while." For there were many coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat. [32] So they departed to a deserted place in the boat by themselves. [33] But the multitudes saw them departing, and many knew Him and ran there on foot from all the cities. They arrived before them and came together to Him. [34] And Jesus, when He came out, saw a great multitude and was moved with compassion for them, because they were like sheep not having a shepherd. So He began to teach them many things. [35] When the day was now far spent, His disciples came to Him and said, "This is a deserted place, and already the hour is late. [36] "Send them away, that they may go into the surrounding country and villages and buy themselves bread; for they have nothing to eat." [37] But He answered and said to them, "You give them something to eat." And they said to Him, "Shall we go and buy two hundred denarii worth of bread and give them something to eat?"

In context this occurs just after John the Baptist, Jesus’ cousin, has been murdered by King Herod. The apostles were out as missionaries when this happened and it seems they returned to Jesus when the death of John was reported. So here is Jesus and he has decided it is time to go away from the crowds, get some rest, and grieve for John. Remember, it was not just Jesus who was close to John; many of the 12 had been disciples of John before they came to follow Jesus. They were close to him and his death must’ve been difficult for them. This is the moment in time when this all happens. They try to get away and what happens, the crowds follow them. When times are tough for me and one of you call me or text me and really need my help I am more likely to snap at you or ask you, “don’t you understand what I’m going through right now?” Or maybe when you try to get me to listen to your problems then I’ll just ignore your call and pretend I never heard it. I almost never do what Jesus does, what a person full of God’s love does. Jesus’ heart is so tender that he is moved with compassion for these people. The Greek word there is one of my favorites to say, splagchnizomai. It means literally to be moved to one’s bowels or guts, figuratively to take pity or be moved to pity someone. We might say something was ‘gut wrenching’ or, since unlike the ancients we associate our heart with our seat of emotions instead of our guts, my “heart was torn in two” or “I was heartbroken over it.” This is an intense word for a strong emotion. When Jesus, who himself is hurting and tired and needing time away encounters another person or in this case a large group of people hurting and in need, he sets aside himself and is so moved that he spends time with then caring for them, teaching them, and eventually providing for their physical needs for food as well. Jesus doesn’t attack or assault them with his actions or words, neither does he attempt to disappear or ignore that the people are there by giving them the silent treatment. He addresses their hurts and pains over his own.

This is an intensely difficult concept for me. I have an incredibly hard time ever doing this. The other way just comes so naturally to me. It is almost a knee jerk reaction to demand that my needs are met over yours, that you acknowledge and attend to my hurts and hang-ups. But that is not God’s way his way is one of great pity for fragile people. He is moved to pity them and so should we, but how does this work in our relations. The first thing we can learn to help us turn from the world’s way to God’s way is: They Know not What They Do. You see Jesus understands their needs; they are like “sheep having no shepherd.” They aren’t doing this to him intentionally, this is not malicious, they just don’t know any better, and they have nothing or no one governing them or showing them the way. Jesus understands they are lost and they behave like lost people. They are people in great need and don’t know of any other solution for their need but that someone come and give them the care and compassion they so desperately desiree87. Jesus has offered this and they will follow him anywhere because their need is so great. Later in Jesus’ life, just before he dies on the cross he is able to forgive and ask his father to forgive them as he spells out this exact reason for us, [Luk 23:34 NKJV] - [34] Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." And they divided His garments and cast lots. This can help us too. Often the person assaulting us or withdrawing from us doesn’t know how to handle the emotions that threaten to overwhelm them, so they react. They don’t know what they are doing, they may not even realize why they are reacting that way, but we can. We can understand they are hurt, or ashamed or afraid in some way or in some combination of ways even if they can’t see it themselves. We come alongside and help them get through their difficult time. We are able to have compassion on them because, even though they may have accepted Jesus, they are lost in how to deal with life Christ’s way. They have no shepherd and have no idea how to react in a different way. We can have pity on them and provide for the need they are crying out for in their assault on us or as they withdraw from us. We acknowledge the things underneath, the things they can’t see and care for them.

This brings me to the how, how do we help them; turn to Romans chapter 12:

[Rom 12:14-18 NKJV] - [14] Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. [15] Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. [16] Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. [17] Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. [18] If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

There is a lot in here and I won’t be able to get to all of it, I just want to focus on three very important ideas here. First, We Respond not React, verse 14 says we bless and do not curse. Those who are attacking us or hurting us are really responding to their own hurt or shame or fear and we don’t add to it by piling on more of, i.e. cursing them more. My natural reaction is to curse them back, but remember in that moment they don’t realize what they are doing, they are just reacting to what is going on inside of them. They are hurt and trying to protect themselves from being hurt more or ashamed and angry at anyone they perceive is trying to shame them more. So, instead of responding to their attack on us by assaulting back with curses we bring blessing and care into their lives by hearing them and acknowledging the difficult feelings they are having underneath it all. We let them know that we hear their pain and their fear. We acknowledge it without trying to fix or correct them, which would only bring shame on them. The implication of our attempts to fix someone or tell them how they should’ve done something is that they are broken and are not smart enough to figure that out, a very shaming statement. When someone asks for help or advice we can share helpful things, but unsolicited help tends to just pile on shame. We don’t pretend to have the answers; instead we do what it says next in verse 15. We bring Comfort, it says in another place [2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NKJV] - [3] Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, [4] who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. How can we do this, we weep when they weep and we rejoice as they rejoice. We give them the understanding that we all desire. I didn’t say that lightly, we all desperately desire someone, anyone, would care enough about us to really spend the time it would take to truly understand us and what’s really going on inside of us; Someone who would care to know and then be compassionate to still care about us after they knew it all. This is often the primary thing we are all crying out for in our assaulting or withdrawing, “please hear me!” We often don’t even realize this is what we need or we may sometime just ask for it gently. Instead we react and hinder the ability to get that which we desperately need. Or maybe we realize we need it, but are either to afraid to ask or don’t know how to even begin to ask for it. We can provide a safe place for others to truly express this need and have it met by responding to them with comfort. This is after all what Christ has done for all of us. He fully understands everything about us, he hears us, and he is still madly in love with us.

Now, at the end of the passage in Romans Paul reminds us of our limitations in this, and that is something we should be aware of too. God’s love is effectual but people can still willfully resist it. If they do, we are still not to withdraw and remove their opportunity to experience God’s love through us. We are to Do Our Part. He says in verse 18, If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. We are to do all that we can. Sometimes people don’t want the solution, but that doesn’t mean we don’t offer it. On our side of the street we care and remain compassionate and then we don’t put any pressure on ourselves if they ignore it. The hardest thing is some people have spent so much time feeling alone and running from their feelings that they don’t ever want to face them. We can help them face them and cope with them in the body of Jesus, but we can’t ever make them face it. Sometimes people never feel like they can ever face their feelings, it is sad as it destroys them. That is the eventual end of anyone who runs from God’s way, a sure road of pain, broken relationships, and loneliness, but still many people choose it because God’s way is just too hard. They can never imagine it would ever be ok to face the emotions and move through them. They could never imagine a day when they would ever feel safe enough to acknowledge they exist. But that doesn’t allow us off the hook from offering that comfort and understanding, the same we have received from Jesus.

Finally, I want to point out an important warning about this, we don’t add to the problems. We are told in the Gospel of John: [Jhn 3:17 NKJV] - [17] "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He didn’t come to bring more shame or place more blame or to condemn, he came to save from all of that. He came that we might have life and have it more abundantly it says in John 10:10. Too often I want to place the blame and condemn those around me and all that accomplishes is more hurt, more fear, and especially more shame, three things we talk a lot more about next week. Right now what I want to be very clear about is if Jesus didn’t come here to condemn then neither should we and condemning really has no place in God’s kingdom either in Heaven or among his ambassadors here on earth.

 

All this seems good, but the question remains does it really work in practice? What happens in real life? Last week this came into play between Lauren and I.

**MENTION THIS: Lauren has given me permission to tell one of our personal encounters with assault and withdrawal in our relationship. ***

I contacted her and tried haltingly to share some difficult feelings. She heard me and was trying to share some of her solutions to similar problems. I began to withdraw as I am very sensitive to shame and as she was sharing her solutions I heard it as I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling. I began asking questions initially to determine what was going on but I had already become defensive. She picked up on my defensiveness and didn’t know what was going on. She became defensive. We began the old sinful dance as it began to escalate. I was hurt and feeling shame and after initially withdrawing I lashed out in anger and then hung up. I sent an angry text message. Lauren eventually realized what was going on and that I was feeling hurt and caught in shame. She began to reach out to me on the phone and acknowledge the hurt I was feeling, still not knowing exactly what happened. As she acknowledged and listened to the pain, then the anger subsided and we began to connect again. Damage had been done because neither of us realized it initially, but in the end Lauren was able to realize it and break the loveless dance. Her reaching to me and creating a safe place for my hurt and shame to be heard allowed healing and God’s love to enter back into the relationship. It allowed for an easing of the tension and a restoration of the relationship.

As you can see I am by no means presenting myself as an expert. I fail at this more times than I’d care to count. This is not easy, but this is effective. This is the avenue God has designed for us to spread His love, comfort and healing in our broken world. The more we are able to learn to practice this and give it away, then more we can see healed people in our lives. God can use us, His Church, His body, to be instruments of healing to our families, to our friends, and eventually to all those we come in contact with. This may not be something we can do with complete strangers that don’t present themselves as safe people, we may not be able to cast our pearls before swine, but then again it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be open to it. It is definitely something we can turn inward and look at ourselves when our emotions are disturbed or out of whack. What’s going inside of me? Am I feeling hurt, or ashamed or afraid? Can I share the hurt or fear or shame instead of reacting in anger? What is going for this person, where might they feel ashamed or hurt or afraid and how can I be God’s comfort to them without condemning them or shaming them more? This is our part, our chance to bring Christ’s true love to the world, his healing to mend broken hearts and lives. We are going to talk more about this next week as we look at the big three, hurt, fear, and shame and how the gospel can liberate us and we can liberate others thru its power.