Forgiveness

Thursday Evening Bible Study / VBS

June 30, 2005

Introduction

When it comes to marriage and all of our relationships, one of the key ingredients is learning to forgive.  But sometimes we aren’t always so gracious to each other.

Illustration

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went in to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten.” The woman said, “That’s okay.” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. “ The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM! she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM! she’s the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.” ADDITIONAL: But wait! There’s more... The man actually had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife. Duh.

Forgiveness isn’t an easy thing.

It seems more naturally for us to either bury the issue and carry a grudge or want to get even with the other person.

Illustration

Edison was a heavy smoker, and he was annoyed to find that his friends helped themselves liberally to his expensive Havana cigars. He decided to play a trick on them. He had a tobacconist construct a lot of cigars made entirely of cabbage leaves and brown paper wrappings. He left these on his desk and, a day later, departed for a short trip. When he returned, his Havanas started disappearing again. “But what did you do with those-er-new cigars I ordered?” Edison asked his secretary. “Oh, those,” said his secretary. “I took it for granted that those were something special. So I put that box in your suitcase.” “My goodness!” exclaimed Edison. “You mean to say that I smoked every one of those things myself!”

The Words for “forgiveness”

The New Testament has two different words that are translated “forgive”.  Both are used to describe how God forgives us and how we also ought to forgive each other.

1.  Letting go

forgiveaphiemi – to send away; to bid going away or depart; to let go, give up a debt, forgive

This word is used in places like:

(1 John 1:9 NKJV)  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
God “lets go” of our sins.

One of the key components of agape love involves this kind of forgiveness.

(1 Cor 13:5 NKJV) …(love) thinks no evil;
Don’t think of monkeys with their hands over their eyes, ears, and mouth. This is an unfortunate translation here. It would be better to say, “Love does not take into account a wrong suffered”
This is an accounting phrase of entering up in a ledger an item so it won't be forgotten. Keeping track of when people hurt you.
This is going to become most evident when you have your fights.
If you start pulling out old laundry lists of things the other person has done over the last two centuries, you’ve missed the point here. When phrases like, “You always do that,” show up, some wrongs have been kept track of.
Illustration
Eggs and Sermons
A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers. The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife’s dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband’s sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly. After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts. That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife. Oh,” she said. “Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?” The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered “yes.” Well,” she continued, “I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer.” The preacher smiled. “Well, that’s not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?” His wife quietly responded, “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them.”
She kept her own kind of “list”.  She kept her own reminder of his “sins”.
The only way we can get rid of our lists of things done to us is to let them go.

2.  Gracing

forgivecharizomai

The verb means to do something pleasant or agreeable (to one), to do a favour to, gratify; to show one’s self gracious, kind, benevolent; to grant forgiveness, to pardon; to give graciously, give freely, bestow; to forgive; graciously to restore one to another; to preserve for one a person in peril
This is the verb related to the word “grace”, charis.  The root idea of charis is a gift, giving something that wasn’t deserved.

It’s used in a passage where Paul is talking about restoring a backslidden church member:

(2 Cor 2:6-7 NKJV)  This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, {7} so that, on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow.

I think this carries more than just the idea of “letting it go”.  Perhaps forgiveness even carries the idea of giving or doing good back to the other person.

Joseph had been horribly betrayed by his brothers.  They had sold him as a slave and he ended up in Egypt.  He was then unjustly thrown into prison for something he didn’t do. 

(Gen 50:15-21 NKJV) When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "Perhaps Joseph will hate us, and may actually repay us for all the evil which we did to him." {16} So they sent messengers to Joseph, saying, "Before your father died he commanded, saying, {17} 'Thus you shall say to Joseph: "I beg you, please forgive the trespass of your brothers and their sin; for they did evil to you." ' Now, please, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of your father." And Joseph wept when they spoke to him. {18} Then his brothers also went and fell down before his face, and they said, "Behold, we are your servants." {19} Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? {20} "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. {21} "Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Not only did Joseph forgive his brothers, he even took care of them.

How do I forgive?

1. Let it go.

Sometimes we just get too critical of each other. The things we hold on to are simply too trivial to be holding on to.

Get over it. Pry open your fingers and let it drop.
I think that some times the best thing to do is simply to let it go – if you can.
I don’t think we need to confront each other over every little thing.
I think that sometimes we demonstrate what “little” people we are by our lack of graciousness toward each other.

This may sound a bit controversial to you, but I believe that God treats us this same way.

As important as it is that we confess our sins to God, I don’t believe that God requires that we confess every single, individual sin in order to obtain His forgiveness. The fact is that we sin WAY too much and WAY too often to be able to do this. Much of the sin in our life consists things we are probably not even aware of.
I do believe that God will bring conviction in our life about the things He does want us to confess and acknowledge to Him. When we feel guilt or conviction over an area or action in our life, it is important that we turn from our sin and confess it to God. But if the Holy Spirit were to convict us of everything in our lives that is sinful, we’d be dead in a few minutes, crushed under the enormous weight of guilt that would bring. As we grow as Christians, the Holy Spirit will allow us to see more and more of the things He wants to change. But I think that as Christians we are under the grace of God, and the blood of Jesus can cleanse us from all sin, even the ones we’re unaware of.

Illustration

When a child is learning to walk, a parent doesn’t get upset when they fall down. They don’t say, “You are no longer my child!” They pick the child up and encourage them to take another step. Hey, it’s just a baby – we are gracious towards babies because we know they’re going to stumble and fall.
This is the way that God feels about us – we’re His children.
I wonder if we shouldn’t feel that way about each other – to try and be as gracious towards each other as God is toward us.

2. Confront and forgive

There are going to be some times when we simply cannot let something go. You’ll know that you haven’t let it go because you still are holding a grudge. The other person still seems “dangerous” to you. You can’t forget what happened.

Perhaps it’s really our problem. Perhaps we’re simply too critical and too judgmental a person to let it go.
Perhaps confrontation is simply the wisest thing. It’s important to not shy away from confronting people that need confrontation.

(Mat 18:15-35 NKJV) "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. {16} "But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' {17} "And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. {18} "Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. {19} "Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. {20} "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them."

This is the part about confrontation. Jesus also said,
(Luke 17:3-4 NKJV)  "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. {4} "And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him."
Confrontation is hard.  It’s even harder to do it the way God lays it out.
We need to go to the person who offended us first. 

You may even find out that you misunderstood what happen.

Yet often we skip step one and go to other people first.  Sometimes we do it for advice, sometimes we do it to just talk, sometimes we do it to spread gossip.

{21} Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"

Perhaps Peter was just quoting what Jesus had said in Luke 17:4.  Perhaps he felt like he was being gracious to offer to forgive someone seven times.  But he’s set a limit.

{22} Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

I don’t think that Jesus is talking about counting out 490 times that a person has offended you.  I think He’s simply saying that we ought to always forgive one another.

{23} "Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. {24} "And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. {25} "But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. {26} "The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, 'Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' {27} "Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. {28} "But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, 'Pay me what you owe!' {29} "So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.' {30} "And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. {31} "So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. {32} "Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. {33} 'Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?' {34} "And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. {35} "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."

Lesson

God set the example

(Eph 4:32 NKJV) And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.
One of the keys to forgiving is to go back to how He has forgiven us.
How does God forgive us?
1. He forgave in the midst of the greatest pain.

(Luke 23:33-34 NKJV)  And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left. {34} Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." And they divided His garments and cast lots.

Illustration

FORGIVEN

.. They hauled him, trembling, to the Judgement Seat. “O Lord, behold the man who made the nails that pierced Thy feet!” The Master laid a thin, scarred hand upon the shame-bowed head. “They were good nails,” he said...

Kenneth W. Porter

2. He removes it from Him.

(Micah 7:19 NKJV)  He will again have compassion on us, And will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins Into the depths of the sea.

(Psa 103:12 NKJV)  As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

We might say He “forgets” our sin.  It is not on His mind:

(Jer 31:34 NKJV)  "No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,' for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more."

Lesson

Unforgiveness is dangerous

It seems that someone is going to set the example in forgiveness.
Either God sets the example in forgiveness and I learn to forgive others like He does or …
I set the example and God will give me the same kind of forgiveness I give to others.
What if God forgave you in the same way that you forgive others?
Jesus gives us a clue as to how serious God is about us learning to forgive others.

(Mat 6:12-15 NKJV)  And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors. {13} And do not lead us into temptation, But deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. {14} "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. {15} "But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

If you don’t forgive, you are really hurting yourself.
Illustration
To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover that the prisoner was you.

What do you do with people who continue to hurt you?

Sometimes forgiving others is dangerous.  Sometimes there are going to be people who will try to take advantage of your graciousness.

Sometimes people will do something to hurt you and when they find out how gracious you are, they will do it all over again.

Illustration

A couple was just finishing their shopping at the mall when they discover their brand new car has been stolen. They file a report with the police and a detective drives them back to the parking lot to look for evidence. To their amazement, the car has been returned, and there’s a note on it that says, “I apologize for taking your car. My wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition and rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets to tonight’s Rolling Stones concert.” Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert. But when they return home, they find their house has been ransacked. On the bathroom mirror is another note: “I have to put my kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

What do you do in these circumstances?

You go through the same process.  You either let it go, or you confront and forgive.

Remember who the real loser is if you don’t forgive.  You are the loser.

This doesn’t mean that you have to be stupid about it.

If a child molester harmed my kids, I need to get to the place to forgive him.
But it doesn’t mean that I’m going to let him babysit my kids next week.
There’s a process involved in healing relationships.  It takes time to rebuild trust, and it should take time.

The Process

Sometimes a person simply has a difficult time forgiving.  Sometimes the wound is too deep.  Sometimes we are able to forgive, but the sense of bitterness or anger comes back.

Illustration

Floyd McClung writes, “Sometimes forgiveness is a process. If we have been deeply hurt, it takes time for the wound to heal. In this case forgiveness acts as a continual cleansing of the wound so that it can heal properly. As we think about a person who has hurt us or sinned against us, feelings of resentment and emotional pain well up. Then we must reaffirm our commitment to forgive them. It is not that the first act of forgiveness was invalid, but that an ongoing process may be necessary until we are completely healed.”

Sometimes the wound is just too deep.  Sometimes it just seems impossible to ever forgive.

Ask God to help you.  Do you want to forgive?  Ask God to get you to the place where you can forgive you.  Ask God to move you along in the process.

What if someone hasn’t asked for forgiveness? 

What if they won’t admit that they did anything wrong?  Should I still forgive them?

I think you should, for your own sake.  So you can continue to receive God’s forgiveness.

When you don’t forgive, you’re only allowing the other person to have a power over you, the power of bitterness.

I think it’s possible to “forgive from afar” in cases like this.  Let it go.

Illustration

A very wise person writes … “I grew up in the 40s/50s with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a name for it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now: Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in dad’s hands, and dish towel in mom’s. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress - things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there’d always be more. But then my mother died, and on that clear summer’s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So...while we have it... it’s best we love it...and care for it...and fix it when it’s broken...and heal it when it’s sick. This is true...for marriage....and old cars...and children with bad report cards...and dogs with bad hips...and aging parents...and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special...and so, we keep them close.

Don’t throw away your relationships.  The key to “fixing” broken relationships is forgiveness.